“…but with a whimper”
This is how the world ends
This is how the world ends
This is how the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
-T.S. Eliot “On the Beach”
I can’t stand it. I wasn’t trying to hurt her. I just wanted her to remember how happy we were, how much I love her. God, I can’t do anything right. Just a walking fuck-up who’s SECOND cheesy attempt at romance fucked him up the ass. (Not in the good way) My mom always said that without a sense of humor she’d probably be in a Psych Ward. I always understood, but now I really get it. God, she doesn’t trust me, and I don’t blame her (in some ways) I said horrible things, there is no amount of
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
That can fix it. But, I wish she could believe that I have changed, I know the mistake’s I’ve made. That I wont do it again. I’m in love with her:
always was.
She was (and is) My World. I guess that means with out my world I’m just a lost soul in space, alone forever. She is not the kind of person one can get over. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life think of what could have been, know I could never love again.
I shake now. I never really shook. I’m living in a state of constant-heart-break. I need her love to mend my heart. I need to be near her, see her, hold her hand.
Hold her hand: That’s something one of the thing’s I took for granted. I thought “God, it doesn’t mean anything, why’s it so important?” I see now, God, that connection, It’s everything. Like a tether. A bond shared, that in some cases means more than the words, “I love you”
Kiss goodbye: I don’t even know why I was so fucked up about that. I know that one thing I hate is ‘goodbye’ my mom always said say goodbye like it was the last time you’d ever see the person. Maybe in some way, I was trying to ensure seeing you again. (Well, that fucked up pretty hard, didn’t it?) I was an ass.
The things I said that day: Holy shit, after I said that stuff, instant regret. I wanted to die. Like literally bash my skull in with a rock. All of those things I said, were my inadequacies, my faults, I projected on to you. I need to love myself. I have all these bullshit problems, that when you tried to help I pushed you away. I exploded and I’m sorry. It was bottled up, I was a time bomb. It could have been anyone, but you were the only one there.
I’m in love with you. Baby so in love with you,
my beautiful goddess,
Forgive me for what I have done.
Forgive me for what I might do.
